Calm confidence
A story about a retired Canadian Cavalia show horse and his brave and willing wild cowgirl.
“Looking into the eye of the horse is like having a window into the universe”
A feeling of freshness saturated the morning air, extending a quality of dampness to the thirsty earth and a stickiness to the sunrise. The mild draft served as a welcome reprieve, soothing the passion radiating from our skin and bones from consecutive days of heat and committed transformation.
We woke to the borrowed glow of a magnificent rainbow painting pale watercolors of hope fading upward toward the overcast sky. A reminder never to stop seeking our authentic selves and infinite possibilities.
After a wholesome spread of heart-shaped eggs, toast, fruit, coffee, and conversation, we made our way to the pasture, where our coaches eagerly awaited our arrival.
It was our 4th day on the Horse Ranch and our third opportunity to work with the retired rockstars, the legendary Canadian Cavalia show horses.
Before stepping into the fenced terrain that held the herd, I declared my intention with Syd, our Equus Coach: to step out of fear with confident leadership, show up, and stay true to body, mind, and spirit. To establish clear boundaries for space and freedom, to rediscover my innate wisdom and capabilities, and to cultivate faith in what my heart and the universe were revealing.
The sky broke open, and the sun's warmth awakened my anticipation. With Syd by my side and my heart unguarded and embodied in intention, I stood in the paddock that spread far back from the gate into the endless sky.
Which Arabian would choose me as their client? Would I work with the pearly majestic unicorn, Silver, as I did the day before?
It didn't take long for the distracted leaders to make their way to us: Gus, the lieutenant of the herd in his flea-bitten gray coat, the fearless freckled Bravas, and the wise Chief with his metallic mane.
As the three musketeers competed for our attention, muscling one another aside and nudging noses into our space, I sensed fear simmering in my stomach. Needing distance, Syd and I moved to the wing of the paddock. Gus followed.
To support my decision to choose the 'right' coach, Syd invited me to imagine Gus, Bravas, and Chief lined up and watch which horse stepped forward. As soon as words left her mouth, Gus stepped an inch closer, pressing his fuzzy, peached, patched muzzle into my belly. I could not oppose his forward bidding. Gus wanted the job.
In the round pen, standing tall in my turquoise stitched embroidered chocolate Ariat Fatbaby Western boots, straight-legged Paige denim, blue and white half-sleeved cotton pleasing plaid, and wide-brimmed straw hat, a mixture of dust and sand smelled my senses. Beads of sweat formed between my breasts, and standing just off my side and slightly behind, was Gus awaiting course.
With intention in mind, Syd offered friendly directives and practices that Gus and I could play and experiment with. With the lead rope, I paraded Gus around the pen as I practiced embodying confidence and clarity. We also worked on creating the space and boundaries I needed to feel safe and respected.
When I stopped moving, Gus tested my limits, urging his way into my shoulder, bypassing my comfort zone. I felt my body disengage and energy disconnect. I began to feel the familiar patterns of doubt and uncertainty. Between the waver in my walk and blurred borders, Gus was unsure what position to take. We did this trot a few times: me prancing with mixed authority and him strutting close behind, me pausing to deliver my wishes, and he always leaning in too close for a kiss.
Wanting to stay sincere in my intentions and needs but not wanting to be unlikable and hurt his feelings, I was in crisis, suspended between knowing and not knowing.
I took few deep breaths to recenter and reconnect. This was it. This was our final dance at this game. Could I be clear and firm with my boundaries and gain his respect?
I was determined, as was Gus; it was time to step into my power. I walked the rounds in the pen with calm confidence, Gus a safe and satisfied distance behind me.
Then came time to test my wits. I stopped, and we waited eye to eye on the ground. With his composed, mischievous character, Gus began to shoulder his way into my side. But this time, with poise and precision, I lifted my right elbow in his direction, never touching him, gesturing energy that told him to respect. He backed away and stood still.
My borderlines were sound, and he respected my clear command. It was a proud moment for us both as we stood in sureness and exhilaration. My conviction and faith superseded the restrictions of the round pen. It was a defining moment, a decisive shift I continue to recall, expand into, and call forth when I forget.
Within moments, Gus dropped his head and neck. It was a sign of vulnerability and an indicator that he sensed the real me, trusting his livelihood in my hands, sure of my presence. It was all the confirmation I needed to believe in myself.
As I opened the gate and let Gus loose into the herd, we were startled by the sweet surprise of Silver standing humbly just outside the round pen, holding space and silently cheering from the other side. A visceral wave of emotion rinsed over me. With his independent and mystical nature, Silver showed it was OK to be me and acknowledged my excellent work with Gus.
Silver symbolizes the energy of unconditional love, understanding, and support. He reflected my innate qualities and represented the energy of Jax and my dad. I felt deep love and gratitude and was reminded that I am part of something larger than myself, that we all are. I belonged to Silver, Gus, the herd, Jax, and my dad. To it all, all at once.
Horses are some of our greatest teachers living dependably in the present moment. They are herd animals whose instinct is to connect and belong, and as prey animals, they are masters at energetically reading their surroundings.
To survive, they need to be calm and present. The moment they meet you, they feel your pain, power, heart, and intention by sensing your energy. It is in their best interest to bring us back into balance and to the truth of our bodies so they can be aware of the real threat and predators in their environment.
They reflect to us what they perceive and will shy away or act baffled when our boundaries are hidden and hazy, sensing when someone is inauthentic and lacking guidance. They support how we authentically see ourselves, highlighting where genuineness is and where we strain from it.
They will push your buttons and test your boundaries and comfort zone, throwing you off your center of gravity while holding space as you return to your core.
Gus embodied a calm, confident coaching style, encouraging me to lead with strength. He challenged, held, and loved me with his huge heart. He knew my fear and stayed loyal in a non-judgmental, persistent manner, having my back and heart guiding me to greatness. He taught me to face my doubts and fears and shine like the pioneer and wild cowgirl I am.
Prompt
When have you felt yourself drop deeper, click into something larger than yourself?
Grab a pen and paper or your favorite journal. Use the prompt as a place to start.
Set your timer. Write for 15 minutes, pen never leaving the page. See what words flow. If you are unsure where to begin, begin with "Here is what I know today," and repeat it until more words pour from the tip of your pen.
I would love to hear about your journey and experience with the prompts and process of flow writing. Hit reply to share or leave a comment.
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